English… basically your stuffed either way
The very model of an amateur grammarian
(With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)
I am the very model of an amateur grammarian
I have a little knowledge and I am authoritarian
But I make no apology for being doctrinarian
We must not plummet to the verbal depths of the barbarian
I’d sooner break my heart in two than sunder an infinitive
And I’d disown my closest family within a minute if
They dared to place a preposition at a sentence terminus
Or sully the Queen’s English with neologisms verminous
I know that ‘soon’ and not ‘right now’ is the true sense of ‘presently’
I’m happy to correct you and I do it oh so pleasantly
I’m not a grammar Nazi; I’m just a linguistic Aryan
I am the very model of an amateur grammarian
I’m sure people appreciate my pointing out their grammar gaffes
And sorting out their sentences and crossing out their paragraphs
When you crusade for good English, it’s not all doom and gloom you sow
The secret of success is: it’s not who you know; it’s whom you know
The standards of our language are declining almost every day
Down from a peak in 18– or 19– I think – well, anyway
Pop music, TV, blogs and texting are inflicting ravages
Upon English and unchecked, this will turn us into savages
I fear that sloppy language is a sign of immorality
For breaking rules of grammar is akin to criminality
So curse those trendy linguists, lexicographers and anyone
Who shuns the model English of the amateur grammarian
Conjunctions at the openings of sentences are sickening
I wish that the decline of the subjunctive were not quickening
And that more people knew the proper meaning of ‘anticipate’
Of ‘fulsome’ and ‘enormity’, ‘fortuitous’ and ‘decimate’
I learned these rules at school and of correctness they’re my surety
I cling to them for safety despite having reached maturity
Some say that language changes, but good English is immutable
And so much common usage now is deeply disreputable
My pedantry’s demanding but I try not to feel bitter at
The fact that everyone I meet is borderline illiterate
When all around are wrong then I am proud to be contrarian
I am the very model of an amateur grammarian
Found whilst being chased by the grammar police and hiding at The Stroppy Editor
Grammar - to use or not to use, that begets this statement
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
- Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- Be more or less specific.
- Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary.
- Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- No sentence fragments.
- Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
- One should NEVER generalise.
- Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
- Don’t use no double negatives.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be ignored.
- Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- Kill all exclamation points!!!
- Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
- Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
- If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
- Puns are for children, not groan readers.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
(Source: misscellania.com)
The University of Baltimore is offering a new class on the undead.
The course is being taught by Arnold Blumberg, the author of a book on zombie movies, “Zombiemania”, and the curator of Geppi’s Entertainment Museum, which focuses on American pop culture.
Students taking English 333 will watch 16 classic zombie films and read zombie comics. As an alternative to a final research paper they may write scripts or draw storyboards for their ideal zombie flicks.
And I thought only some of the students (ok.. all of them) were zombies in my classes. OMG Can I teach this? Can I Audit it? [Am really going to look at getting the lect notes & tutes for this class ]
“In English,” the professor said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
“
| — | Strangely we don’t get told about the missing person report filed about that student that afternoon.. muwahahah |
Spelling with real English ;)
It has come to my attention that some people might not realise that I spell things somewhat different to the USA so called “English” spelling.
This is because I live in Australia where we spell things as the English language was supposed to be spelt. With U’s in Colour, and S’s in realise instead of Z [pronounced Zee and not Zed ;)]
Therefore for your edutainment I have compiled a list of “Proper English” to “USA English” so that no grammar or spelking police will annoy me. LOL
English/AU USA
aeroplane airplane
ageing aging
aluminium aluminum
amortise amortize
anaemia anemia
analogue analog
analyse analyze
annexe annex
apologise apologize
armour armor
artefact artifact
authorise authorize
behaviour behavior
Blonde blond
calibre caliber
candour candor
capitalise capitalize
carburettor carburetor
catalogue catalog
catalyse catalyze
centre center
cheque (money/bank) check
chequered checkered
clamour clamor
collectable collectible
colour color
convenor convener
cosy cozy
counsellor counselor
criticise criticize
customise customize
defence defense
demeanour demeanor
dependant dependent
dialling dialing
dialogue dialog
disc disk
doughnut donut
draught draft
emphasise emphasize
endeavour endeavor
enquiry inquiry
enrol enroll
favour favor
favourite favorite
fibre fiber
finalise finalize
flavour flavor
foetus fetus
fuelling fueling
galvanise galvanize
gaol jail
generalise generalize
glamour glamor
grey gray
harbour harbor
harmonise harmonize
honour honor
humour humor
initialise initialize
instalment installment
jewellery jewelry
kerb curb
kilometre kilometer
labelled llabeled
labour labor
lasagne lasagna
Learnt learned
litre liter
lustre luster
manoeuvre maneuver
marvellous marvelous
maximise maximize
meagre meager
metre (measurement)) meter
modelled modeled
modelling modeling
mould mold
mum, mummy mom, mommy
neighbour neighbor
nett (as in an amount) net
ochre ocher
odour odor
offence offense
optimise optimize
organisation organization
organise organize
orientate orient
orientated oriented
orthopaedic orthopedic
pædiatrics pediatrics
paedophile pedophile
paralyse paralyze
parlour parlor
penalise penalize
plough plow
practice (as a noun) practice
practise (as a verb) practice
pretence pretense
programme program
pyjamas pajamas
rancour rancor
realise realize
recognise recognize
rigour rigor
rumour rumor
sabre saber
saviour savior
savour savor
sceptical skeptical
signalling signaling
snorkelling snorkeling
speciality specialty
standardise standardize
sulphur sulfur
theatre theater
titbit tidbit
tumour tumor
tyre tire
valour valor
vapour vapor
vigour vigor
visualise visualize
woollen woolen
